A prudent example? It just happened a few minutes ago at a typical family dinner. I told my dad that I could not exactly stand the religious experiences and anecdotes that he had continuously quoted at family meals since he got back from India on National’s Day. That works out to be quite a few family meals. In between, during the sessions where I’m at home stoning, the stories flow too, to and fro between my parents, strengthening their faith in Tibetan Buddhism. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against strong faith in one’ religion. But I’m clearly non-religious, and I’ve abstained from doing anything commital religiously. Yes, I’ve been to India, but it was more for the cultural experience and listening to Dalai Lama’s teachings (which were distinctly non-religious on days I attended). Anyway, back to topic. I told my dad that it was getting stuffy at meals because of his religious devotion at meals. The preludes leading up to post India talk had been peppered with local religious affairs too. This was, of course, met with strong awkwardness. He asked me what do I usually talk to my friends about, my friends and I were bound to re-mention old topics. It’s true, but I make a conscious effort to avoid all army-related topics with non-army friends, and instead ask my friends about the happenings around them.

It’s tough and wrong to interrupt your father during family meals. It borders on rudeness no matter how polite you are. But instead of sticking to the status quo, I chose to speak up and prevent further discomfort at future mealtimes, which I feel is a worthy price to pay.

Most recently I’ve also experienced rather negative sentiments towards my close friends. Unlike popular opinion I feel that being in university is definitely not a huge cause towards distancing relationships. Rather, it is perspective towards the status that matters. Overestimate the tightness of the friendship, and it’ll move in the opposite direction. Underestimate, and there’s just the chance you get stunned.

I’ve experienced it this week. I organized a gathering of sorts, meet everyone in lieu of my birthday, in a thickskinned attempt to establish connection with my friends that only turn up for fringe events. Somehow, somehow, there’s always the impression that a gathering organized by a guy will turn out to be a total sausagefest, and in turn, well, girls are uncomfortable in turning up. I understand that, but only if you belong truly to the group which only turns up for fringe events. And think about it, if all the girls think this way, it will result in a sausagefest, isn’t it? Causality and effect has been strongly mixed up. My personal sentiments, I guess, arise mostly from my ego. It takes a battering to my ego to invite others to a gathering to start with. As a close friend… shouldn’t this invitation mean more? I rarely request of anything of my friend to start with.

Saying that you’ll hold a separate celebration is well… yes, okay thought appreciated, but it’s really really awkward, because something will be nagging at the back of the mind that hey, this is to repay some debt of some kind. In turn I feel bad too. It feels like something I have forced upon others. And I don’t feel up to task considering my mindset now already. In more ways than one, I have been wrong by not accepting that girls, in general, are not that comfortable at such settings. I chose to overestimate the status of the friendship and the result is blatant.

And damn right you are if you’re wondering if I’ve learnt my lesson. Don’t get me wrong, the gathering was pretty great, I was thrilled by the turnout (low expectations = greater delight for the same results). But I wouldn’t be doing it again simply because… I don’t want to force any social complexities on any of my friends in the future. While I really revelled in the fact that friends I thought I would meet only at MAF came, the sad truth was that people I held closer to my heart were absent. And it stings. Avoiding pain and failure is natural to the rational human mind.

In a way, relating back to affairs in camp, a lot of my trainees have been inhibited by the fear of punishment and intoxicated by our spoon-feeding, being unable to troubleshoot or pick up new skills on the spot. I remember reading in a book on how we make decisions that a positive feedback loop is activated everytime we accomplish success, and enhanced with greater success. We thus adopt the best method to satisfy some chemical appetite in our mind. My trainees have lost this ability, sadly. They are afraid of trying out stuff on their own because of their fear of doing something wrong. This would one day translate into servititude to their superiors because they are afraid of speaking up, even when they are right. I worry for my batchmates as they ORD later than me.

This week, before I turn 20, I’ve picked up quite a few lessons on the way. They all came at a price, at the expense of making mistakes and doing something wrong. But do I regret it? Now, a bit. In the future, however, I will remember the lesson and not the regret. Mistakes have their way of making us mature as well.

Of those which come to mind would be that I’ve finally started my countdown to standdown, which is due this Oct 2nd, and I have approximately 50 days to go. That means around 3 more duties, each lasting a fortnight for you who haven’t been meeting with me recently. After these 50 days or so I would be enjoying two to three weeks of holidays before heading off to Taiwan to support the officer cadets’ course’s exercises, which would be really refreshing. This lies in tune with my plan to clear all my off. I have 25 days of off and leave put together, so that’s 5 workweeks worth. Taiwan lasts three weeks. 3+5=8. I’ll be back to ORD after that.

Supporting NDP was pretty smooth sailing. View was spectacular, had to leave my friend after a mere 5 minutes of meeting her because of the once-in-a-lifetime view. I really doubt I’d be able to get such a great POV again ever. It was really the highlight of my NSF life, except for the costs that came with it, which is to get yelled at by my superior over reasons once again unknown to rational beings.

Hmmm.

Yesterday I went to the beach too, with Shao Fei and his officer friends. There was Yip Yang too. Day before I went out with Xiao Tian for a small catch-up session. Two days before I went out with my team, as well as to pick up my parents. Three nights before I met Zhut for late night supper. Somehow duty off is getting more and more cyclical. There is no longer the excitement involved in meeting up with friends from within camp or outside camp. Of course I’m happy to be with my friends outside. There is always delight in meeting friends, especially non-army ones. But lately I’ve been not very proactive in organizing lunches and dinners. Or even messaging people. I’m losing touch with my social side. Comes with the little bit more of maturity I guess? I begin to realise that you would be able to connect with good friends nearly no matter when as long as both of you remain the same in character. If your characters change, no matter how much you’re in contact with the friendship will still feel more distant. Going out with guys, truth be told, is getting weary as well. Same topics, same content. No one brings up anything intellectual at mealtimes. So… kinda sucks.

But still, a lot of people whom I want to get in touch with. Outside army, of course. I’ve organized a dinner of sorts near my birthday because I want the end of my teenage years to be a bit more memorable, so I’ve invited close friends from different phases of my teenage life to gather together. Needless to say the attendance online is dismal. Given the social dynamics I’ve expected it to be #1, a dickfest, #2 a case where everyone is waiting for me to message them personally, desperately for them to attend. It’s natural. People desire to be wanted individually. And I will succumb to peer pressure and social conventions in order to make it a success I guess.

Do what is right, not what is convenient.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. – Sucker Punch

All it takes is one man to do the right thing in order to make a big difference.

Do unto others as you would have them unto you.

Be the change you want to be. – Gandhi

Don’t be a douchebag. – Jie Yang

 

It was only this week, today, that I realised how important it is to have your own set of principles to stick to. It’s often very convenient to sway along with the popular opinion of the day or adhere to the majority’s needs. I find it highly unacceptable to do so. At the end of the day, you have your conscience to answer to. When shit hits the fan, you have to answer to your superiors too, not the people who influenced your decision.

Sticking to one’s beliefs obviously has its price. Doing the right thing doesn’t beget any rewards too. Being fair, impartial, and being consistent is tough, but doing things right is what defines one’s character, not how others perceives you.

I thought I ran pretty well despite the total absence of training. Who wants to go adidas King of the Road with me next?

It’s quite an irony. This duty week began with a scholarship interview. I think the interviewers, two pleasant ladies, were pretty impressed with my candidness and forthcoming manner of answering their questions. And most were directed towards my working style, which I said to be very objective driven and results oriented.

The duty week played out like a horrible reminder that my working style does not exactly beget good results.

Exercise went horribly. I wanted to share on how bad it was but needless to say I can’t (I only just remembered right before I was going to ramble on). Nearly got to be the one who was directly involved in a car accident, save for my foresight to change the driver to a more proficient trainee. The other result would have been catastrophic, with me signing on in order to pay damages.

As a result of the car accident, vehicle had to be surrendered for inspection, equipment had to be transferred. Not all equipment were transferred. Exercise went awry as a result. Was rude to my commander as I lost my cool. Now my superiors know I am easily provoked under stress. What can I say? I had zero respect for that particular commander before this. Now… it has dipped to dislike.

Two very important lessons, one, trust no one but myself for important tasks, two, don’t ever interact with superiors I can’t get along with.

Office politics are really getting to me. I hate being stuck on the fence. I wish to be on neither side of the pasture too. I prefer to be in a home full of fun and happiness instead of being stuck outside at the field. One of the other commanders have hit a wall with the other duty team, kinda fighting a war to gain my team’s approval. A foot more to “trying too hard”, if I were to view it from others’ perspectives. But I’m kinda cool with everybody. With the exception of the commander mentioned in the above paragraph, I’m all for peace during admin time.

I’m  coming to terms too that personality can be a huge obstacle towards the accomplishment of goals. Much as people can motivate, push, and be harsh, some characteristics will never change, some spots on the leopard will remain. My co-commander is a pacifist and a passivist through and through. I have told him repeatedly that I abhor being the one taking the lead (as it begets more shit, no benefit), and that responsibility should be shared, even if not equal. I see myself as a support role given the fact that I will never be able to enjoy full stewardship in any case. I do not resent this; I’ve accepted it. But it remains that I have to play a leading role in any case which does not make sense.

My upperstudy is doing a great job by dishing out packets of wisdom from time to time and creating awkward moments for himself, even in view of his unproven, untested and I have come to suspect, non-existent proficiency.

I have approximately 5 more months to go. This is barely palatable consolation.

On a happier note, I have been able to complete my 10km run under an hour at 52 mins. I suspect I could have gone under 50 mins, lest for the dodging and weaving through the crowd for being an uncooperative bunch. Slow on the left, overtaking on right, hello?

Still, very proud of myself, given that I took 26 mins to run <4km in camp just two days ago. I’m definitely evolution in motion.

No, not talking about elections. Everyone’s reading about elections, why your choice matters, what to look out for when you’re voting. So I guess if I whine about myself, everyone could partake in it and perhaps wonder if this is really what 20 year olds that possess the 2nd coolest nationality (second to Brazil) are truly facing.

I am a hard worker. I accept that life is not always smooth-sailing, not everyone in life looks upon you favourably or treats people equally, impartially and without preconceived notions. However to expect the same trajectory in destinies between two different people is plainly simple-minded, brinking on extreme stupidity.

When I think of what I’ve been told from various sources since 2 weeks ago, I just feel very indignant for myself. And I don’t expect anyone to feel anywhere near the same feelings as me. Apparently, previously there was another sergeant who was pretty hardworking and produced above mediocre results (much like me), but he didn’t perform the same after turning ops, instead lurching into depression after his relationship issues went down a nasty fork of fate. He abandoned his duties, only turning up to randomly pick on mistakes and screwing trainees for them. And out of all these lines of description, my senior specs have decided that I should be blocked from taking any leadership position for fear of repeat of events.

How very pleasant.

It takes a great deal of effort to go the extra mile. And even after going the extra mile, I’m told that this has resulted in a misimpression, that I would turn up for work like a total piece of crap the moment I turn ops. I am nothing short of upset. Even after I got rejected from Medicine I continued my duties as per usual without even showing my utterly depressed inner self. Imagine sending mails when all you want to is curl up at home in your pillow. Try that.

What really got on my nerves today before I finally booked out was the state of affairs in my workplace. Don’t mistake me, I like my team a lot. I like all of them most of the time anyway. Each have their own quirks, me too, but all are very cooperative. But the other team really disgusted me today. Some spent the whole day cooped in the manning room. And the off-duty personnel yours truly has to pull other off-duty personnel to go tend to a totally unimportant arrow from the… regular. While there are already sufficient duty personnel on the ground. Imagine running out in the pouring rain to stay in an empty vehicle. The feeling is shit. Why do the duty personnel want to do it? “I’m falling sick leh, I don’t want to get caught in the rain.”

The way I view things, there is just a huge, impressionistic culture in my workplace. Whoever’s more experienced calls the shots. You suck, you shut up. Survival of the fittest. You screw up once, you’re a goner too. It is a sad irony that those who said that they are going to change the culture have fit in the most.

In short, to wrap up this bound of senseless whining, I’m just really pissed that people’s impression of me and how I will turn out is based on a completely different person, ignoring my own show of effort. I’m hugely frustrated that we run like a Japanese company where people with the most experience gets the most say, people who came later are stifled opinion wise and authority wise. It is unfeasible and unsustainable, even on a personal scale. If this continues, I am pretty sure that I will grow apathetic; and it’s definitely not gonna be pretty.

I woke up on Sunday, expecting to become buffer, faster, stronger, and bless the lord, lighter too. But hell to the no, I had a massive splitting headache and a throat inflamed to the boot. Thinking that it was a morning thing, those occasional blitzes your body goes on for fun, I went as per normal, online shopping on the internet then going to cookhouse for lunch.

It soon descended from there. The headache had its day of glory and soon I found myself thanking the inventor of Panadol for the mini respite it provided. I was in the bunk all feverish too. The blanket enveloped me and I was sweating.

3 hours later, woke up to sip some water. Attempted to go watch Running Man. Failed. Went back to crash a bit more. Struggled out for dinner. Shifted bunk with much difficulty, then went into semi-comatose again. By this time every few steps I took had its own aftershock around my temples and at the back of my skull.

Woke up at 3. Drank more water. Popped more panadol. Felt more feverish. The Spartan body of my imagination was actually a Persian Immortal’s: just weak and ugly actually. I skipped breakfast on Monday, before being made to go down for rollcall unceremoniously. Thank god for the downpour; I didn’t have to go for breakfast without a cement-certain reason.

By 8.30 I was in the MO’s office. He was testing me for my responses, but the only response which I really gave was to his verdict to send me to NUH for CT scan, to rule out brain bleeding. Shocking, I tell you, even to the dullest of senses. I suppose it was due to the fact I probably had less than 5 physical headaches (but infinite mental headaches), and on his pain scale it was a 7/10. That meant the patient was distraught over his pain.

Off to NUH A&E I went, with my poor PC and good ol’ buddy “Simple Jack” and member of two man band BDSM (Big Daddy Shaofei and Matthew), Shao Fei. His favourite phrase through the whole waiting was wtf, as per usual. Through the ambulance ride at a painfully slow 50km/h I was pretty sure I had three months left to live and two facts in my mind: one, no one wants to date a guy who’s gonna die in such an unglorified state, two, I was going to die a virgin.

With these two facts in mind I was determined that I would at least ORD before I die, which meant I had to survive the trip back to camp and wait for CMPB to give me my pink I/C, both which were not going to happen so soon, but still faster than attempting the reverse the above. But the receptionist wasn’t kind. I was trying my best to explain that I was either going to die of my headache or shivering from fever, and by god, all I got was to wait in the air-con area like any other patient. Thank god for Simple Jack, I got a blanket that warmed the body and the heart.

The doctor tried to make small talk. I think it’s part of the triage process. To make sure I’m responsive. He tested me for sensitivity and strength/response in limbs. All fine. Apparently that meant my brain was fine too, so thank you very much. Then I got more painkillers, orally, before heading out for observation, a.k.a. slumping over the chair half-dead.

Went in back for one more round of interrogation. Yes, there’s still pain. Yes, I’m sure. Yes, the painkillers didn’t really work. Yes, I think I need the injection. Yes… what?!? Then I got send off for painkiller via injection. Oh there was the blood test but it didn’t really hurt. My pain threshold has grown much since enlistment I guess. Got another injection on the left for side effects like vomiting.

I didn’t really know how strong it was till I conked out at the ward. One hour later I was good to go, ready to book out. So good, I told Shao Fei there was no need to take the cab. Dozed off for a short while on the train, and when I reached back camp the moment I touched down on bed I was a goner.

Next time I woke up, it was night. Skipped dinner, found back my 8 pack. Whoever said skipping meals didn’t work was lying. Showered, went to look after training, then went back up to sleep somemore.

All was as per normal. Till dinner just now when my face just went totally numb and my chest had like the non-responsive feeling. I was hell sure I didn’t want to die upon booking out.

But now I’m alright. Don’t really want to talk about what my parents’ first reaction was. Disappointing yet happy at the same time that they attributed it to the past few months of sleeping with wet hair right after showering. Death had been showering me with status updates on his Twitter page, but I just didn’t bother to check out his tweets. I was preoccupied with my future, the state of my body, the tousle of my hair in the morning. I forgot that life itself needed appreciation once in a while.

So Death reared its uglier head. He left my operator friend dying in the ambulance from low blood sugar to tell me he was there, left me a status update through the doctor and tagged me at dinner today that he was still there — waiting to claim me as a virgin.

I wish. Really wish I was in a holiday in London for the past 11 days but unfortunately, no. I’ve been stuck in camp for so long that my fuse went into negative and I’m just so so tired!

Monday – Train till late + routine stuff
Tuesday – Train till late + routine stuff
Wednesday – Study like dog
Thursday – Study like dog
Friday – Train till late
Saturday – Study chalet + GYM!!
Sunday – Study Chalet
Monday – Train till late + routine stuff
Tuesday – A LOT OF FRUSTRATING ROUTINE STUFF + TURNOUT TILL 4
Wednesday – Wake at 11, GUARD DUTY

Plus I failed my test first time round. Think Econs essay, but word-for-word content. 200 marks, 90% passing mark. Time of test, 0000-0330. Enough said.

My fuse got really short on the second tuesday and I felt such a strong killing urge! I swear. I felt like some middleman/event manager for two groups of people handling 2 different tasks, all with no pre-ordained thought to call each other straight. I need to curb these murderous tendencies. They really get to me when I’m tired, as proven when I flared at my sweet Joel who forgot to do something important during turnout.

I honestly think it has got to do with the length of time spent in camp.

Since I’m at it, I shall just whine a little more. The seniors keep telling me I fail my test and it was not even a near pass when it so was. And one of my sirs keep adding more criterion to turn ops which is MEGA, HUGELY frustrating. I think I will request a transfer out if I don’t get all my privileges by May. Either that or I’ll lodge a complaint with HR side. It has been disgustingly long and I think we’re sufficiently qualified already. Hell to the no to being a trainee for 1 year 4 months of my NSF life.

I don’t think I’ll do too well as a clerk in civilian life. I will constantly try to usurp the boss, I’m certain of it.

If you may or may not know, I am stuck in a unit infamous for people complaining of their postings there. For one, I discovered that honestly it’s just one company that resulted in the unit’s notoriety. The misfortunate part is that I am posted to that very company.

It’s the typical arc of a series of events. We started with denial, questioning of authority, disagreement, non-compliance. The rebellious stage we all undergo as part of our human nature to reject cruel realities. We suffer. We suffer much more than others who were the same as us, but had the luck of being posted to units that did different scopes of operations that allowed for a better life. We complain. We whine. Sometimes, most of the times some of us hide it in ourselves hoping that the reality would resume its true identity as a nightmare that ended with the awakening of a better time.

I think I speak for many army men out there that not many understand what each of us are experiencing. Each NSF’s experience in the army is vastly different from person to person especially when you’re not in stuck in a job where typing’s all the physical activity you get. Mine’s worst because I can’t disclose fully what I do. And truth be told I’m not the kind who will stick like glue to anyone I spend much time with.

I remember the new specs, 8 of us, promising to go through our predictably tough life together and pass out of it as one. Till this date I know only Gilbert gave a commital answer. I couldn’t. Although at this point in time I know that I will eventually get through it already, I would still be non-commital if I travelled back in time. I am a commitment-phobe. How would people look at me if I couldn’t take it lying down and I just quit? I was tormented. This torture continued, worse when my friend of 9 years and another of 3 years entered my company as my PCs. I am very conscious and cautious of what people think of me.

And naturally, I don’t think I’m alone either. But I think the difference between me and probably others is that at the end of the day I focus my effort on accomplishing the task that I am assigned much much more over what people think. People do not know how much you care till they see how much you’ve done. It’s as simple as that. I have no qualms in saying that I was pretty much disliked by the commanders at the start and now I’m still not the favourite guy-to-go but I can say now that if they don’t know how willing I am to learn then… they’re really quite blind.

But obviously I cannot say the same for everyone else. Personalities differ from person to person and our concerns vary too. I wouldn’t like to mention names, not now, but I think that nearing the end of our tough times together we’ve lost touch of our objective, which is to learn our job and do it well. Our concern over others’ opinions of us and opinions towards issues are growing exponentially and that should be our foremost worry. If someone criticizes your competency, do you spend your time hating the critic, or go about proving yourself? I believe many will nod along to the latter. But how many will focus on the latter? Few. A far few. And that’s what’s obstructing the pursuit of excellence.

This concern stretches to how others’ competencies affect the team’s performance. While I’m a strong believer of getting everyone to the finishing line together, we got to be realistic as well. At some point in time, I’ve realised, and hopefully you too, will come to the same conclusion that if you can’t make the dog get your newspaper, you’ve gotta get it yourself.  If others fail to meet your expectations consistently and you’ve tried your best to remedy the situation, then there’s only 3 ways you can see it.

1, your approach is wrong. 2, you’re the real problem here. 3, you’ve got to make up for the shortfall yourself.

The first can be validified by people around you. Same for the second. So obviously, you’ve just got one option left.

So get your act together, find where you stand. And by that I don’t mean your competency, popularity, or whatever shit. Find where you think you can belong to, sink your roots in to provide support for others. If people are satisfied being shrubs and complaining about why your leaves are blocking their sunlight, there’s only so much you can do before you start withering away yourself. But always remember that bearing fruits, doing the right things right, doing your job well, should always be the first, and foremost priority.